October 19, 2012

Binders for your women — reviewed


“We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the Amazon reader comments” — said no political leader ever.

Nevertheless, a new battleground has emerged. If you haven’t had a chance yet today to ponder the unbelievable wankery of Mitt Romney, I invite you to peruse the Amazon reader comments on stalwart Avery economy binders. You’ll find a few of our favourites below. Just make sure you don’t buy anything while you’re there.

As a woman, I’m not adept at making decisions that concern me. So when I need the right choice, I turn to the presidential candidate that KNOWS. One with prideful experience in this department. I don’t want to be filed away in an inferior & confusing electronic doohickey that I couldn’t possibly understand. Or heaven forbid, have a man ask for & listen to my ideas! I’d much rather rely on this top of the line, 1980s style, Avery Durable binder. It’s the choice America can trust. My education, my ideas, my opinions, my choices, please PLEASE keep them safely stored away here and far away from the men that might fear them (I mean, want to use them to hire me somedaynever). I’d write more about this most useful product, but it’s time I hurry home to make dinner.

I only wish Avery also made binders full of Puerto Ricans and male homosexuals.

Maybe it’s just my women, but they don’t seem to want to fit into the space I’ve designated for them in this binder. They keep sticking out over the edges, even getting away in some cases. I thought using clear, glass-ceiling page protectors would help, but it doesn’t seem to slow them down anymore.
I’m going to have to resort to more severe three-hole punching, to keep my women in line. And maybe switch to the Trap Her, Keep Her.

I have recently discovered that my small six-ring binder, especially when I remove all the people from it, works as a great defense against both legitimate and illegitimate rape. I carry it with me at all times–it’s so small that no one can tell that the little metal rings are actually left open (or “cocked” as it were). When jumped by friend or foe, I just snap those little suckers shut. The whole clamp/pinch action…talk about shutting that whole thing down. And the six little holes are always good for the lineup later. Cannot recommend enough.


Ellie Robins is an editor at Melville House. Previously, she was managing editor of Hesperus Press.