A traditional wedding “date” is unwelcome under new government restrictions.

What, you think this government order is SOME KIND OF JOKE?

China is cracking down on puns, careless use of idioms, and other forms of word abuse. It’s bad for Chinese culture, and worse yet, it’s confusing the country’s children. (And your dumb jokes make us groan. Groaning’s bad, too.)

In the face of what it deems “cultural and linguistic chaos,” the State Administration for Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television issued a strict order to cut back on all that goofing around:

Radio and television authorities at all levels must tighten up their regulations and crack down on the irregular and inaccurate use of the Chinese language, especially the misuse of idioms…. Idioms are one of the great features of the Chinese language and contain profound cultural heritage and historical resources and great aesthetic, ideological and moral values…. [Wordplay is] contradictory in spirit to the promotion and continuance of excellent, traditional Chinese culture.

The irony is that the government is putting restrictions on a celebration of the Chinese language. Chinese is rich with homophones, and cracking down on their subtle humor doesn’t do service to the country’s rich tradition of joking around.

For instance, Tania Branigan of The Guardian says that one wedding tradition is bringing dates (zao) and peanuts (huasheng) to the newly married, a play on Zaosheng guizi (“May you soon give birth to a son”). How are people supposed to pressure young couples now?

And the president from 1912-1915, Yuan Shikai, supposedly hated the name of the Lantern Festival (Yuan Xiao Jie) because it sounded like “cancel Yuan day.” Can’t anyone insult a man to his face anymore? Do we really have to shroud our opinions in dad jokes?

Indeed David Moser, academic director for CET Chinese studies at Beijing Capital Normal University, speculates that this is “a preemptive move, an excuse to crack down for supposed ‘linguistic purity reasons’ on the cute language people use to crack jokes about the leadership or policies. It sounds too convenient.”

Speaking of “linguistic purity,” Western language has been threatening to infiltrate China for some time. We polluted the nation’s dictionary with terms like “wifi” and “CEO” earlier this year, and now “2 Broke Girls” is gaining wild popularity online, according to Te-Ping Chen at the Wall Street Journal. Apparently the show is thick with “racy puns.” We had no idea, because none of us at MobyLives had ever seen an episode. On behalf of the nation, we’re sorry.