The Fallback Plan is a weekly column, offering advice to those undergoing a second adolescence. It is written by Leigh Stein, author of the January novel, also titled The Fallback Plan. For an illustrated fallback plan of your own, write to [email protected]

Dear Miss Leigh,

I fell head over heels for the most lovely man a few month ago. I adore him, but I have to end it. It will never work because he’s married (whoopsy!) and I’m moving to the big city anyway. Please help! How do I break up with my married boyfriend without smashing his heart into smithereens?

Thanks bunch!

Your biggest fan,
Nina Sabina

Dear Nina,

Get your hands off my husband. Totally kidding! He says your hands are really soft.

There are many ways to break hearts, in addition to your sledgehammer strategy. Try writing a note and leaving it under his windshield wiper. Try standing outside his bedroom window with a boombox over your shoulders and play “Don’t Know What You Got (Til It’s Gone)” by Cinderella until you either start crying or your ears start bleeding.

“But Miss Leigh,” I hear you saying, “I don’t have a boombox! I’m a modern woman!”

You have lungs, don’t you? Sing, Nina. I dare you to sing, “I can’t clear my heart of your love it falls like rain,” and see if your married boyfriend doesn’t get the hint.

Best of luck,
Leigh

Dear Leigh,

How does one gracefully get one’s spare keys back from an ex-boyfriend who is not known for being reasonable?

Best,
Catherine

[To find out how to get your keys back, read the rest of the column at The Faster Times…]