Times are tough. The economy sucks. 85 percent of college graduates are moving back in with their parents. If you’re like millions of America, your A-plan (Get an education! Find a job! Pay your loans! Buy a house!) is going exactly nowhere. Admit it. You need a fallback plan.

Well, you’re in luck. Leigh Stein‘s weekly “The Fallback Plan” column at The Faster Times offers cheerful, sage, humorous, and illustrated advice to those in need. Stuck in a rut? Looking for love? Hungry for change? Whatever your hardship, Leigh has an answer. Write her at [email protected]. And if that’s not sweet enough: if your question or quandary is published in the column then you win a free signed copy of Stein’s forthcoming novel, also titled The Fallback Plan. 

And now here’s the latest column, illustrated by New Yorker cartoonist Carolita Johnson a.k.a. “Ape-Face Johnson.”

Dear Leigh,

I have never left the state of Maryland in my life, due to school, work, and a fear of flying. Now I want to get the heck out on a trip. Where (in the US) would you suggest going? Or should I just stay put?

– Chris

Dear Chris,

I once paid $700 for an Amtrak rail pass and traveled the North American continent for thirty days. Am I recommending you do the same? Weigh these pros and cons:

PRO: Seeing Texas out the window for about three thousand consecutive hours.

CON: Sleeping in a chair for thirty days.

PRO: Having the train engineer, on a trip from New Orleans to San Antonio, take you on a personal tour of “the engine room” and tell you Mardi Gras train legends: midgets, grand pianos, and near-death experiences involving industrial-strength twist ties.

CON: Sleeping in a chair for thirty days.

PRO: Receiving a strip tease (from drunk man) in observation car on same trip, from New Orleans to San Antonio.

CON: Amtrak coffee.

PRO: Climbing/walking/hiking to the top of Mont Royal for approximately five hours and then taking a picture on your phone so everyone at home will be so jealous.

CON: Taking the “short cut” down, next to the sign that says DO NOT GO HERE, and then falling down a sheer mud face, your plummet only halted when you reach out and grab a birch tree.

PRO: Reaching places where there are rivers to kayak in, ponds to swim in, oceans to lie by, ripe nectarines to eat, borders to cross, and a hostel bunk bed with your name on it.

Bon voyage,
Leigh

Illustration by Carolita Johnson