Adult humans.

I really only know two things about Haruki Murakami: that he likes jazz music and that he likes to make spaghetti while listening to jazz music. (I hear he also runs, but have not been able confirm if he listens to jazz music while he does this.)

In The New York Times, Murakami wrote this about his love for jazz:

“I had my first encounter with jazz in 1964 when I was 15. Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers performed in Kobe in January that year, and I got a ticket for a birthday present. This was the first time I really listened to jazz, and it bowled me over. I was thunderstruck.”

Murakami has always been careful to present himself in print—in fiction and nonfiction—as an aesthete. The man loves jazz, and, while he doesn’t love jazz that I think is particularly interesting, he’s always had decent taste in, well, sophisticated jazz music. He owned a jazz club, for pete’s sake.

So I was surprised when a reader asked Murakami about the future of the Chili Peppers in the wake of the departure of their long-time lead guitarist, John Frusciante, who is bad: “Mr. Murakami, do you think that without John Frusciante, you can’t really call them the “Red Hot Chili Peppers” anymore? I love John’s guitar playing,”

And I was even more surprised by Murakami’s response:

“I saw when the Chili Peppers took the stage during Bruno Mars’ Super Bowl halftime show. They still rock. It’s amazing that they seem like they never grow up. Humans always mature before you know it, so we have to be careful.”

What the hell? Haruki Murakami was watching Bruno Mars Super Bowl Halftime Show? And he not only likes the Red Hot Chili Peppers, he thinks that they are a model for aging?

This was an existential moment: if Murakami likes them, maybe the Red Hot Chili Peppers are actually good? So I decided to call in my friend Eric Jett, known hater, to help me argue that they are bad, while I asked my parents—whom I have made fun of for ~15 years for liking the Red Hot Chili Peppers—to argue that they are good. It’s up to you, dear reader, to decide who is right and who is wrong.

(The issue of Bruno Mars will not be discussed. Bruno Mars is terrible.)

–Alex Shephard

POINT: Haruki Murakami is a fan of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and that is bad because the Red Hot Chili Peppers

“There is nothing more vulgar,” the great critic Dwight Macdonald said, “than sophisticated kitsch.” Luckily, Macdonald, who made his bones attacking bastions of mediocrity like Hollywood, never lived to hear “Californication” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. If he had, he would no doubt have seen the Grammy-winning band for what it really is: a capitalist mill of premeditated, homogenized and pasteurized banality. Their body of work, which fans cite as an example of how music can be both popular and good, is not music of the people; it is music for the people—its trebly bass lines and guttural harmonies indicative of a sound not beyond genre, as some claim, but sub genre. Noted for comprising (and compromising) many styles, the music does not incorporate genres in order to create but rather to destroy, compressing its influences until they collapse to a dense but dimensionless point. While the Chili Peppers have incited their fans to “give it away, give it away, give it away, give it away now,” they themselves have exhibited nothing but a near pathological penchant for taking away—both from their fans and from their culture. Like a black hole, they turn many into one, and, as anyone who has been in a bar or turned on a radio recently knows, there is no escape. So how does one attack something that destroys everything it touches? How does one penetrate something so dense that it threatens to rip the fabric of spacetime itself? By slinging insults at it.

• Their drummer’s name is Chad.

• We don’t know what the name of their new guitarist is and John Frusciante quit the fucking band six years ago

• There is an article on The Huffington Post called “Dave Navarro On Why He Didn’t Jibe With Red Hot Chili Peppers.” Even Dave Navarro didn’t “jibe” (ew) with the Chili Peppers and Dave Navarro is the most Chili Peppers-y non-Chili Pepper in the world, in that he’s living proof that the world is a giant toilet. Also, Dave Navarro was in the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

• Jack Irons left the Red Hot Chili Peppers to join Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam.

• Their all-CGI video for “Californication” destroyed CGI forever. Computer graphics were never used again.

• The song “Higher Ground” has been shown to cause vertigo in trees.

• While most music is processed throughout both hemispheres of the brain, neuroscientists were shocked to find that the effects of the song “Hump de Bump” are much more localized, exciting only the region of the brain devoted to regulating toenail growth.

• The Red Hot Chili Peppers were once sued by a small town in Brazil, but the Chili Peppers won the case on appeal.

• Many people (including Alex) thought Jon Daly’s Red Hot Chili Peppers parody song “Abracadabralifornia” was real, even though it contained lines like “Bing a bong bing a bong a bong Burbank.” That song would’ve been one of their better songs, had they actually written it. It was terrible.

• Tom Scharpling recently compared the Red Hot Chili Peppers to Billy Joel, arguing that both are notable not for being good, but for not going away. Tom was right. Billy Joel is better than the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

• They single-handedly destroyed George Clinton’s reputation.

• Californication is a portmanteau of California and preresication, which isn’t even a word.

• Their bass player’s name is Flea. He was born with that name.

• The video for “By the Way” was an homage to the film Amores Perros. No one has watched the film Amores Perros since that song came out. Dogs pee whenever it’s played. Dogs hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ music and dogs hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers the people. John Frusciante quit the band because he was tired of getting bitten and peed on.

• The band was formed in LA. Hollywood is in LA. Need we say more?

• The CIA tortured at least one detainee by playing Red Hot Chili Peppers on repeat.

• If they had never released the album Californication, Showtime may have never made the show Californication.

• On a similar note, they not only named a song “Californication,” they named a fucking album Californication. Even KISS didn’t hit that combination of gross and dumb.

• Chad Smith, the band’s longtime drummer, is most famous for looking like Will Ferrell. On The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, the two met for a drum-off. Ferrell was better. Much better.

• I thought that the Red Hot Chili Peppers used to wear diapers and then was like “Wait, that’s too weird” and then remembered that they used to wear socks over their junk. And then I remembered that they also used to wear diapers. Diapers.

• Anthony Kiedis is like Jim Morrison if Morrison didn’t have a sense of humor or any semblance of self-awareness. Jim Morrison referred to himself as “The Lizard King.” Jim Morrison also referred to himself as “The More Self-Aware Anthony Kiedis.”

• Multiple members of the band have professed their love of jazz. Flea even studied jazz trumpet before transitioning to the bass. Authors are allowed to love jazz. Cartoon characters who happen to play music are not allowed to love jazz.

• The Red Hot Chili Peppers have yet to respond publicly to Benghazi.

–Alex Shephard and Eric Jett

COUNTERPOINT: Haruki Murakami is a fan of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and that is good because the Red Hot Chili Peppers are good and also because we have embarrassing stories involving our son and the Red Hot Chili Peppers

I certainly cannot run from that position. You can also say, if you wish, that I subjected you to listening to Californication on every road trip we took (including all the college trips) after it came out. I especially appreciate the line “cause I’m down for the state of Pennsylvania” since anytime we drive south or east we go into Pennsylvania (though when traveling east we only go through that 1/4 mile along I-86/Route 17 near Sayre). I remember the first time that I heard “purple stain” with your 11 or 12 year old self in the back seat. I think Bob and I laughed, probably thought some about explaining/discussing it with you, and then each thought something along the lines of “screw it, he’ll find out soon enough, or maybe he already knows.” I love you lots.

— Sandra Keith (my mom)

Hi, this is Dad here. I would give a partially throated defense of the Chilis—Californication helped me get through [a difficult time.] By the Way’s okay. “Under the Bridge” is great (semiadequately plagiarized by Green Day). My memory of the backseat moment recounted above is that when it came to the line about putting my finger in your monthly blood you asked us what that meant. I think that was the only time ever we just laughed and didn’t even try to give some answer to one of your questions . . .

As for the Chilis showing us how to age well, or not age: No. Not Flea or Anthony. Not John. Definitely not Dave Navarro. Maybe Chad.

—Bob Shephard (my dad)