John Darnielle is a widely beloved singer/songwriter whose first novel, Wolf In White Van, was recently published to rave reviews. It has since become a New York Times bestseller and a nominee for the National Book Award for Fiction. But is the book that the Times called “strange and involving” actually “involving” its audience in EVIL? Is it in fact the means by which Satan, through his servant, disseminates coded subliminal messages to manipulate readers into sinister and deadly acts of violence?

As recently discovered by an intrepid writer at MobyLives, beneath the distinctive design of Wolf In White Van’s hardcover edition lies a terrifying secret. When viewed from a particular angle, the edges of seemingly innocent divider pages spell out a Morse code message: “–..—…–……-“. We only reproduce this message because it gains its true power when read backwards (which for the sake of reader safety we refuse to print in that order, and we urge you not to read yourself). 

It may seem farfetched to imagine a book which actually uses backmasked Satanist messages as a plot point would have the audacity to perpetrate these selfsame acts upon the reader, but we assure you this is no fiction. Without a doubt, Satan is speaking through his servant John Darnielle (who often flaunts his devilish associations by referring to himself as THE MOUNTAIN GOATS) Who else would send out the below messages, which we have at great risk to our souls translated and de-anagrammed from the original backwards Morse code?

-.. .. . .- -. . .- –.. — (DIEANEAZM) – DIE N A MAZE – Referring to entrapment in Satan’s labyrinth of deception and temptation

-. … ..- -… — . .- – (NSUBOEAT) – AS UT BONE –  Satan boasting of his clever placement of decoy dinosaur skeletons in the Utah desert

-. .. . ..- -.. .- – -. .– (NIEUDATNW) – U WANT DINE – An exhortation to pursue Gluttony, a Deadly Sin

-… .. .- -.. .- – -.. — (BIADATDM) –  ADAM BIT D – Referring to Adam’s original sin of “biting d(own)” into the apple from the Tree of Knowledge (abbreviation being of course a tool of the Devil)

– .. … .- -. . .– -..- – (TISANEWXT) – WAITS NEXT – He cackles there in the fiery Pit, Waiting for your arrival after death in the Next realm which is Hell (also a tip to look out for more Satanic messages hidden in Tom Waits’ next album)

These are only a few of the messages exhibited in plain sight—there may be countless more. If you find any, please send them immediately to [email protected]. We urge you to spread this warning to all those who are considering reading this book—if Satan has infiltrated not just Amazon but the publishing industry as well, we cannot be too careful.