A week ago, our own Liam O’Brien bragged like a 1920s bank robber about the heist of the century, snagging a copy of Grey before its release. Now, it appears that his story is more full of holes than something made of mesh, or swiss cheese or something.

The book, which comes out today, is a reboot/reincarnation of the Fifty Shades trilogy, this time told from the perspective of Christian Grey. The brilliance that is E.L. James turning a fan-fiction into a money factory and then turning that money factory into a totally different money factory that is actually the same money factory just with a different name was overshadowed when a copy was reported stolen from Penguin Random House‘s UK office.

The Kent Police in southern England quickly sprang into action, working themselves into a tizzy to track it down, presumably so that they might get a peak into Grey’s psyche before the rest of us get our grimy little finger stubs on our own copies.

Now, the worst has happened. In a truly unfortunate turn, the Kent Police are reporting that they have found no evidence that any offense was committed, and will cease investigating unless new information is presented to them. There are only so many sultry espionage angles left. Either there was no theft at all, or there was a theft executed in such a delicate fashion that police are unconvinced it even took place. I’m partial to the second theory, especially considering the grace and subtlety necessary to pull of a crime like this are equivalent to the grace and subtlety that is typical of James work. 

Thankfully, the police coming up empty has not deterred more invested sleuths from getting to the bottom of this, Scooby-Doo style.

A spokeswoman for Penguin Random House said: “We are delighted that the book’s theft does not appear to have been for any malicious intent or financial gain. We can however confirm that we will continue our investigations into this matter and that we will be reporting any findings to Kent Police.

With no major leak from the book, and my unwillingness to believe that it was not stolen, the only motivating factor left is that someone just literally could not wait to read the same story they read a couple of years ago and saw in the theaters in February and saw on DVD probably yesterday. And that could be the best thing I’ve ever heard.